


Tell Me the Difference Between Love and Death

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Unbeta'd, future!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 12:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He hated and loved the Grand Canyon. He could hardly remember what it felt like to actually want to see it. Now he felt like he saw too much of it. Everything in Tusayan was about the canyon. Some days it made him sick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me the Difference Between Love and Death

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I can't tell if I did anywhere close to decently with this fic. I was having sad feelings, but I don't think it's sad enough. You'll just have to read it and find out. Also, I'm sorry if it causes feels?
> 
> It's angsty and unbeta'd, you have been warned.

Dean Winchester woke up all at once, zero to sixty, his green eyes flicking open before he truly processed that he was awake. The next second everything settled around him and he knew with perfect clarity where he was.

The sunlight was piercing through the window and lighting up the ceiling of his room - it was still strange to think about, the room that belonged to him - and Dean shut his eyes again to block out the light. He let out a quiet groan as he stretched in his bed, his back popping with the motion. He took in a deep breath, filling his lungs and nose with the smell of bacon. His brother must be cooking breakfast.

Dean's eyes flew open at that thought, his stomach growling and his bladder reminding him that he hadn't pissed since the night before all at once. Sometimes Dean thought that his body was too demanding. With a grumble he got himself out of bed and headed across the hall to the bathroom. After relieving himself and splashing water on his face he shuffled back to his room to put on sweatpants. It wasn't as if Sam hadn't seen Dean in his underwear before, there wasn't much room for privacy in motel rooms, but his younger brother had whined that Dean needed to wear clothes outside of his room almost a month after they had moved into this place. It had been almost three years since then. Dean was still blown away by time.

After pulling on a pair of dark sweats he wandered down the stairs, following his nose to the kitchen. Sam was standing in front of the stove, his shoulders tensed as he tried to get a pan of hash-browns to cooperate. He glanced over his shoulder when Dean walked in and gave his brother a head-nod. Dean nodded back and made a bee-line fore the coffee-maker.

It was only five minutes later, after Dean had retrieved the local paper and started in on the front page headlines to make sure nothing supernatural was happening on their doorstep, that Sam set a plate of bacon, hash-browns, a slice of toast and two sunny-side up eggs in front of his brother. Dean gave another nod in thanks and, not finding anything weird in the news, folded the paper to the side in order to start in on his breakfast. That was when he caught the date on the top of the paper.

April 21st.

Already?

He sighed, tucking in his brother's cooking.

"I'm going to Kate's today." He brother said, almost out of the blue. "I'm not staying the night, but I won't be back until late."

Dean felt his lips quirk up in response. He liked Kate. She was a smart girl and didn't mind the fact that Sam was constantly going on 'business' trips. Or that a thirty-five year old lives with his almost forty year old brother (God, Dean felt old) and refused to move out.

"You'll call if you need anything?"

Dean's small smile turned into a scowl at that.

"I can take care of myself, Sam."

Sam made a bitchface, the one that meant 'I wish you'd stop shoving me away when I try to help'. It didn't make Dean feel bad, not even a little bit.

"I know." It sounded like Sam had pulled the admission out with pliers. "But shit happens sometimes."

Dean just shook his head at his brother. "Don't worry about me. Go to Kate's, have a good time. Tell her 'your ass looks awesome in those jeans' from me."

The 'I don't find it as amusing when you hit on my girlfriend as she does' bitchface took over Sam's expression. Dean outright laughed at it. It might be his favorite of Sam's current array of bitchfaces, including the ever present 'you're confusing real life with porn again' bitchface.

"Just eat your food, dude." Sam said, his voice sour.

Dean dropped Sam off at Kate's just a little after ten o'clock. After that he drove the Impala by the local liquer store and picked up a six pack of beer, letting Tracy ring him up.

"It's awful early for a six pack, isn't it?" She teased, winking one of her soft brown eyes at him.

He grinned back easily. "Only if you plan to drink it all at once."

She laughed at that. "You know, Dean, Mile's has a great beer selection. You should come out and watch the game tonight."

"Well, that depends. Which game?"

"Royals and Padres." She told him. "First game of the season. Haven't you been keeping up on your baseball?"

Dean shrugged. "Sometimes."

Tracy shook her head at him in mock horror. "Well, how about it?"

He smiled back at her. "I don't know. Maybe."

"I'll look for you." She promised, winking again.

He nodded in response. "You do that."

After leaving with a wave to Tracy, Dean drove through the nearest fast-food joint on his way out of Tusayan. He got two of their biggest burgers and shoved them in the trunk with the beer and the beat up old backpack he had grabbed before he left the house. He drove straight up the highway blasting AC/DC. Once he had made it through the gates, paying their stupid fee to see their stupid national park, he drove straight. He ignored the tourists with their trailers and proper hiking gear and camera phones turning to go down to the visitors center and drove straight up to the small parking lot at Mather Point.

He hated and loved the Grand Canyon. He could hardly remember what it felt like to actually want to see it. Now he felt like he saw too much of it. Everything in Tusayan was about the canyon. Some days it made him sick.

Dean pulled out two of the beers and shoved them in the backpack with the huge water bottle he had put in there earlier. On top of that he put the two burgers. He slung it over his back and headed for the trails. He passed by a few people, mostly sporty young couples power walking and taking pictures. They made Dean scowl. After the third couple grew quiet as he approached he realized that he had become the old man he never wanted to be. He wasn't even forty yet. He made a concious effort to smile at the next couple, who completely ignored him. He didn't know if it was better or worse.

About halfway down the trail he jumped the fence and walked right to the edge. Glancing to each side to make sure no one was watching he leaned over it, looking down the canyon. The vertigo was intense.

Dean scowled. "You dumb son of a bitch." He hissed to himself, fighting down the fear that rose in his throat.

He swallowed and then knelt down, running his hand alone the edge of the Canyon after a moment of shuffling he found the handhold, still intact, and let out a slow breath. Then, carefully, he sat down and threw his feet over the edge. With some manoeuvring he found the niches that seemed to be natural cracks in the face of the canyon, though Dean knew better. Some grunting and sweating later he was on his way down.

It was only twenty feet before he touched down on the narrow path. It was only three feet wide at maximum, as narrow as a foot in a half in some places, and it was almost worse than freestyle rock climbing down the vertical drop. Dean made his way along it, keeping as close to the wall and as far from the edge as possible. It took almost a half an hour and some very nerve racking sliding along the wall of rock behind him before he reached his destination.

The entrance to the cave made it look smaller than it was. Dean pulled out his flash-light and made his way in, grateful for the distance between him and empty air that would let him tumble down into the river miles below. The cave was just one big, oblong room. Dean peered around, turning his flash-light to check for anything weird that might have started living there since he'd last visited. He found nothing new, thankfully, and instead turned his attention to the shape on the back wall.

"Hey there, Cas." He said softly, his voice coming out dry and hoarse. He cleared his throat.

The big, black wings scorched into the rock didn't reply. Not that he really expected them to.

Dean sat down directly opposite to the beautiful black wings and the words etched into the rock in the man shaped gap between them. He smiled at the wings fondly, pulling out the beer and the burgers. He opened Cas's beer and burger first, setting them in front of the wings. Then he opened his and started to eat. The climb had left him famished so he did most of his eating in silence. It was only after he had finished his food and was left with less than half a beer that he started to talk. He told his angel about the last year without him. He told him about Kate, about the wendigo in New Mexico that had nearly taken Sam's arm off, about Tracy's soft smiles and teasing.

"Ten years ago I would have been all over that." He laughed. "Times have sure changed, huh Cas?"

He talked until his voice was sore and he kept talking. He ranted about Sam treating him like he was made of glass and he explained the finer details of the politics on his suburban street. Eventually his talking subsided, his beer long since empty, and he was left staring at the wings.

"Miss you, Cas." He said at last, pulling himself to a stand and gathering up the uneaten food and his trash. He wrapped the untouched burger back up, poured the beer out onto the ground, and put everything back into his backpack. With one last long look at the wings he headed out of the cave, the words he had carved into the rock himself burned into his mind even though he had barely looked at them once. He already know them by heart. 

 

_April 21st, 2015_

_I wish I was brave enough to say I love you_


End file.
